AUBURN | Predicting what will or could happen in a college football season is useless. That's especially true when it comes to the Auburn Tigers when a new coach is in charge.

I mean, if you saw the 2013 season coming, you are either someone I need to discuss stock tips with or are a complete liar. So, what is going to happen this season with Bryan Harsin now in charge of the Tigers? What's going to happen in the SEC? No one knows.

So, with that said, I'm going to make some predictions that may seem outrageous, foolish, or, if you will, clinically insane. But that's just how I roll. So, I present to you 25 of my bold predictions for the 2021 SEC football season without any more of my rambling.

1. In a tribute to the previous regime, Bryan Harsin comes out against Akron wearing a visor and sweater vest and immediately adjusts his pants (and other areas) every five seconds.

2. After failing to win the national championship again, Kirby Smart retires and finally does what he's born to do: go on worldwide tag-team wrestling tours with Will Muschamp.

3. Nick Saban gets too close to Bill O'Brien, causing the forces in the offensive coordinator's cleft chin to start pulling in the head coach's body. Only by the power of three Crimson Tide players will Saban be pulled out of the vast, dark hole.

4. In a moment of epiphany, Bo Nix realizes that there's no reason to pick a side in the *NSYNC/Backstreet Boys battle and that the two were pitted against each other by an evil manager. Unfortunately, this will come at a crucial moment and cost the Tigers three straight delay of game penalties.

5. A gunman kidnaps me after too many hot takes. Knowing that a regular person wouldn't be so quick and adept, I narrow the kidnapper down to one person: Christian "The Assassin" Clemente.

6. In a move extremely unpopular with fans, Tiger Walk is changed to Tiger Run as Harsin deems walking not a part of the culture he is trying to build.

7. The NIL goes a step too far when, after scoring a touchdown, Tank Bigsby disappears into the tunnel and reappears, driving a Tank sponsored by the US Army in a recruiting effort to pump up popularity for a new war.

8. With Paul Finebaum taking the day off, Tim Tebow hosts his show for the day. Viewers become mortified when the Florida quarterback goes into the time he went back to the Philippines in great detail.

9. Darude, the artist behind the 2000 hit "Sandstorm," files a cease and desist letter against South Carolina, stating that "in no way was this song ever supposed to be related to so much mediocrity."

10. Sick of not seeing the north side of the field from the press box, Andy Burcham boycotts calling plays on that side of the 50-yard line and leaves it up to radio listeners to guess what's happening.

11. After an argument on the sidelines about the play of the defense, Harsin and defensive coordinator Derek Mason challenge each other to a pectoral definition competition. In the next game, both show up on the sideline shirtless and covered with more oil than the flag carrier for Tonga at the Olympic Opening Ceremony.

12. A tense stare-off between Demetrius Robertson and UGA, the mascot, ends with them both realizing they never really loved each other.

13. Harsin's "stairs only" policy comes back to haunt him as Mike Bobo is continually stopped on his way up to the booth following halftime with fans questioning him about that run on 3rd down, causing him to miss a good portion of the third quarter.

14. Arkansas fans turn on Sam Pittman quickly after he mistakes a visit from Tusk V as his meat delivery and promptly puts the boar on the pit. Fans come back around once they realize how delicious the mascot is.

15. Lined up in the Wildcat formation, J.J. Pegues runs over four defenders for a touchdown. His momentum won't be able to stop, though, as he slams into a terrified family of four in the front row of Section 41.

16. Kentucky head coach Mark Stoops imbibes a little too much bourbon at Keeneland before a night game. He decides to take over the offense with a strategy of "Who the hell cares?" making Wildcat fans think Eddie Gran is still calling plays.

17. Sensing that the rest of the crew can cover the Iron Bowl without any trouble, I'll gladly sacrifice myself for the AuburnSports.com and agree to follow Bruce Pearl and the basketball Tigers to Atlantis.

18. Bo Nix and Malachi Moore challenge each other to a drink-off of Milo's tea at midfield before the Iron Bowl. Both will then have to admit that they don't even like Milo's and just call each other's bluff. Milo's stock will plummet, causing the company to go out of business. It turns out both were secret agents for Red Diamond.

19. A group text consisting of Lane Kiffin, Ed Orgeron and Jimbo Fisher reveals the three coaches holding a secret competition on how many coeds they can score in a year. Much like his team, Orgeron's numbers fell off quickly after 2019.

20. Spirit makes her last pregame flight and then settles into retirement. She's then gifted with the most delicate household cats to feast on while watching her friends soar in the riveting documentary American From Above on a 90-inch plasma television in a new 10,000-square foot aviary that she negotiated with Steven Leath.

21. In a bizarre postgame press conference, Dan Mullen goes on a 30-minute rant on how Ted Lasso is based on him, except for the character's humor, charm and overall likeability.

22. Students start falling like dominoes after an awful incident that sees one part of a row swag while the other part surfs. Fortunately, no tragedies occur, but many hurt bodies once those involved start sobering up on Monday.

23. Auburn honors the 2010 national title team at halftime of the Iron Bowl. Somewhere, Pat Forde and Pete Thamel clutch their pearls while fainting from the mere sight of Cam Newton being cheered.

24. In a moment of pure rage, longtime sports information director Kirk Sampson takes over Bryan Harsin's press conference and precisely lets each media member know how he feels about them. It will end just like the last 30 minutes of the Michael Douglas thriller "Falling Down."

25. The beloved readers and posters on The Bunker hate this column, calling me the unfunniest person ever to live. I will gladly bring up the names of the people who wrote the sitcom "Family Ties," making their point moot.

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