December 2, 2006

Big 12 Rewind

Well, here we are... face to face... a couple of silver spoons!

Wow, childhood 1980s flashback. Who knew little Ricky Schroder would get off the little train, put down the tennis racquet , develop deep wrinkles on his face in his 20s and land on one of the hottest television shows in the nation, only to flame out? That's quite a run. Such success and such failure in such a short time. Kind of like the coaching career of Larry Coker, huh? A flash of brilliance. Then nothing. Wait, that's like our rotation of one-liners. Going home alone is never good. At least it means you can enjoy your Waffle House in silence at 3 a.m. Mmmmmm, waffles, grits and eggs next to a 300-pound trucker named Dale. Good times.

So the Big 12 - and regular season - for 2006 is finally over. And what have we learned? Lots. Unlike our six years in high skool, er, school, we paid attention this fall and came up with some conclusions of our own.

So it's time to be aggressive, B-E aggressive. Let's look at last week.

And remember, many Bothans died bringing us this information.

The year after a national title, a coach tends to get a honeymoon period. A year to bask in the previous season and take in the worshiping from fans and donors wanting to extend his contract and keep him forever. Like a marriage in the first month, everything is right and happy and there will never be trouble.


Let's ask Mack Brown what he thinks about that post-title grace period now.

In a week where he should be getting his Texas Longhorns ready for an arctic battle against the Nebraska Cornhuskers, he's sitting at home in Austin, listening to Matthew McConaughey bongo naked while shouting "WE ARE MARSHALL!" And, loud bongoing aside, he's going to get to watch coaching arch-nemesis Bob "Absolutely, no question" Stoops battle 60,000 Husker fans and 15-degree temperatures in Kansas City.

Hmm, maybe he had a good weather forecast and threw the game against Texas A&M just to keep warm? Nah.

All jokes aside, the Horns losing to A&M for the first time since iPods became all the rage was certainly a surprise. The whole game, you just had this feeling that "Yeah, whatever. The Horns will come back and win. This is all just a giant tease."

Oops. Guess not. UT choked away the Big 12 South and officially ended its mini-run of dominance in the Big 12. And Brown did it in fold-tastic fashion. First, a road loss to Kansas State. Then, a home loss to the Zombies. Talk about throwing your championship momentum away. It's almost like he's sado-masochistic or something. He didn't know what to do without all that pain. We bet his upcoming trip to Jacksonville or San Antonio will remind him what real pain is. Doesn't Jax smell really bad?

That loud beeping sound you heard in Stillwater last weekend was the Oklahoma football team backing into the Big 12 title game.

Oh, chill out. We keed, we keed. Since OU never really had a shot at the KC weekend until Texas got tired of playing extra games, there was never really talk of this even happening outside of the warped universe of sports talk radio.

But alas, it did, when Oklahoma State played the "close but no cigar" game for the 46th time this season. This time, in the form of a pass at the end of regulation that wasn't reeled in. (Cue Korn's "Falling away from Me.") But OSU fans have to love seeing OU fans place skidmarks in their Superman underoos. There's just something about a mullethead from Ada being really quiet and praying to Barry Switzer for OU to prevail.

What is a Sooner fan's favorite foreign destination? SWITZER LAND! Har har har. What, it's really only one word? And it wasn't named that after OU won the 1975 national title? Oh well. Ever get the feeling they just pretend the entire 1990s never happened? That's what the first George Bush thinks, too. But he DID throw up on some important Japanese dude. We think he went on to develop the PlayStation.

And oh, what's with Mike Gundy coming away from such a hard-fought game like he just went to DisneyWorld? Should you be so ecstatic after a loss to your arch-rival? It's like saying, "Man, that girl just totally turned me down for making out, but that date was the best date I've ever been on. I'll always remember that date as one of my favorite dates of all time even though I came up empty."

Our best dates ended without restraining orders. But that's just us.

Sure, our game is more looking back at what happened and making fun of it, but why not re-gear Mr. Peabody's Way-Back Machine and move it into the future?

The future, Conan?

That's right, all the way to... Saturday, Dec. 2, 2006!

*Crowd ooohs and ahhhhs.*

In the year 2000... and six....

Since this is just a fabricated title game designed to make more money (like Spaceballs 2: The Search for more Money) for the Big 12, we figure there's no harm done in doing a little prognostication, right?

So here's what we think will happen: Bill Callahan will flip off OU fan hillbillies. ABC will fly in Lynn Swann for a special halftime showdown with Bob Stoops. Later on, Stoops will throw a headset to help break the ice on the sidelines. Adrian Peterson will make a triumphant return to the Sooners, only to run off the Sooners' team bus after passing a really nifty car lot. Rhett Bomar heckles Stoops after buying a front-row ticket with his Big Red money. Switzer and Tom Osborne square off in a battle for the ages. The game? Hungry hungry hippos at the 50-yard-line! Billy Sims has one too many margaritas to keep warm and ends up doing a Heisman streak in what the good Lord gave him. Yeah, Boom that!

And oh, as for the game itself? Big Red wins, 28-24. Ohhh, now isn't that tricky?!?!?!? Even though, really, only one of the teams wear red. But only their hairdresser knows for sure.

In our universe, the women lust after us, the beer flows out of the tap in the kitchen and all the Big 12 teams get to go to a bowl. Except in this realm, the bowls are named after the type of seasons they had. If you don't like where your team is bowling, tough! Tell them to stop giving us material to use against them.

1. OKLAHOMA: The Big Red Sports and Imports Lucky Breaks Bowl
2. NEBRASKA: The South for the Next six Months Bowl, presented by RUUD Heating and Air
3. TEXAS: The Heimlich Bowl, presented by the 1993 Houston Oilers
4. TEXAS A&M: The Enron Worst Nine-Win Team Ever Bowl
5. MISSOURI: The Vastly Overrated Bowl presented by the producers of Lost
6. KANSAS STATE: The Don't Call it a Comeback Bowl
7. TEXAS TECH: The Pirate Bowl presented by Captain Morgan
8. OKLAHOMA STATE: The Outta Time Bowl, sponsored by SEIKO
9. KANSAS: The Take what We can Get Bowl, presented by Golden Corral
10. BAYLOR: The Dance like no one is Watching, because it's a sin if you get Caught Bowl, presented by the Southern Baptist Convention
11. IOWA STATE: The Their time has past Bowl, presented by Al Gore
12. COLORADO: The Hash Bowl, presented by Cheech and Chong

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